


Jarry Potter and the Hawt Demon Butler

by TheLunarSquad



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: CLIFFHANGER HUEHUEHUE, For Your Own Good, Gen, Instagram texting, M/M, Mpreg, NOHRIAN SCUM HYAH, Parody, Triwizard Tournament, bs pacing, chapter one mimics shitty af xovers on ff, obligatory boggart, ollivander's name is spelled incorrectly 20 different times, please you probably shouldnt read this, to be continued?????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-18 01:23:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9358907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLunarSquad/pseuds/TheLunarSquad
Summary: Ciel and Sebastian are sent to check out the strange happenings at a magic school. But wait! There is something called the Tri-Wizard Tournament? Just who is Jarry Potter? And why are he and his friends, Hermin and Rod, so suspicious of him?





	1. The SNEAKY, the SUSPICIOUS, and the HAWT

**Author's Note:**

> fixed grammar and edited a little to make it look nicer for ao3 readers. If you want to see a more authentic parody, check out the fanfiction version here- https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11040713/1/Jarry-Potter-and-the-Hawt-Demon-Butler

Sebastian stood next to Ciel. They were getting a new mission, but this mission was different because there was magic. This magic was way different from anything they had ever seen before. It was. . . different.

The Queen of England had recently mailed the azure-eyed boy a letter denoting that he must investigate the strange happenings of her secret magic school Hogwarts. A dark wizard had recently risen to power. His name was Voldymort.

"Bocchan you must purchase your school supplies," he purred in a spider-silk smooth voice.

The pair made their way to a pub called the Leaky Cauldron where they entered Diagonally. Ciel was a little bit nervous, but not too nervous cause he had Sebastian with him. The boy took in his surroundings with his beauteous sapphire optics. The bustling alley had crowds of people shopping and laughing. 'So stupid' Ciel thought in scorn.

Sebastian directed his master to the shop called Olivierander’s. 'I guess we're getting wands first' Ciel thought with a sigh.

The door creaked open. The air was dusty and old and the walls were lined with thousands of tiny boxes. A old man at the desk turned to look at them. Sebastian stood by the door out of the old man's sight.

"Ah, a new face," the old man smiled. "I am Olivvvvvander the wandmaker! We will find the wand that chooses you in no time," Olevander crowed, leaping nimbly into the air and clapping his feet together in a wondrous feat of human versatility.

Ciel looked skeptical but said, "Ok"

Sebastian grinned internally, "haha you can trust this man Bocchan."

Olivanduer sweat-dropped. His eyes widened to the size of an AS 365 Dauphin helicopter when he saw Sebastian. "You…!"

Sebastian smirked. "Yes?"

"I remember your wand. . . a special wand. . . Bone with thestral blood and valravn feather core. . . centuries ago. . . " He had known there was something off about the raven-haired ikemen all those years ago.

"Nani?!" Ciel exclaimed confused. He thought the magical realm was unfamiliar to both of them.

"Do not worry about it Bocchan" Sebastian replied calmly. Ciel understood the unspoken message that he would explane, as in exit from plane, specifically the URMV-3 IAR 817, later.

Ollivandir was startled and returned his gaze to the cerulean-eyed child. "a-Anyways, young man please step up." He revealed a pile of different lengthed and shaped wands on his desk. Ciel eyed them curiously, his petite hand reached out to grab one.

They tried and tried, they kept testing them. Finally Ciel picked one up, it was huckleberry with a demon core. He felt a surge of shota power. Olivevander looked happy. "Yes this is the wand for you. So much potential but it is weighed down by its past. . . beware young child."

Ciel looked skeptically at the store keeper but he waved it off. "Pay the man Sebastian."

Sebastian smiled with much coy. "Of course, Bocchan." He handed the storekeeper twenty drachmas. Earlier that day the two of them had exchanged 1 million dollars for wizarding currency at Gringotts, the gargoyle (whatever thing runs the bank I can't remember) run bank.

The servant and master took a helicopter to King’s Cross Station and were surprised to see people walking THROUGH the wall. "Well I guess we should try that also," the young aristocat said.

"Yes Bocchan," replied Sebastian. He motioned for his young master to walk through.

Ciel was even more surprised when he went straight through the wall and Sebastian followed behind him. The pair ignored the admiring looks and blushes the girls around them all had. They were used to it.

Ciel didn't feel any attraction to the swooning girls, the only time he ever felt something was when he is next to his dashing, suave, sophisticated, urbane, debonair demon butler.

The beautiful pair made their way to the train. They got in and found an open compartment. Only minutes later a trio of people opened the door, "eto... sumimasen. There doesn't seem to be any open compartments. May we share?"

Ciel waved his hand in disinterest, waving them in. They sat down and the fuzzy-haired girl started introductions. "Hi. I'm a 4th year named Hermin Granger, this is Rob Weasley, and this is Jarry Potter."

Ciel noticed they waited for a reaction but he didn't know what for. "My name is Ciel and this is Sebastian. . . my butler. I am transferring into 4th year."

The trio looked suspicious at the pair "You seem too young to be a 4th year."

Ciel replied haughtily. "Well I have some. . . special circumstances. . ."

Jarry was still confused "Can you even have a butler?"

Ciel didn't indulge him with an answer. They arrived at Hogwarts and Ciel was surprised to see frightening creatures pulling the carriages. "What are those?" He asked.

The trio didn't know what he was looking at. But Luna Lovegood came up behind them "Those are thestrals. You can only see them if you have seen someone die. They are beautiful aren't they?"

Ciel looked wistfully into the distance. . . "Yes, quite."

The trio and pair made their way to the banquet. Ciel and Sebastian waited to be sorted. "And we have a transfer student, drumroll, please welcome Ciel Phantomhive." Dumbdore said.

Ciel walked up and sat under the hat. "A strange strange boy you are. I sense greed, and a desire for revenge. You are filled with hatred. There is one place for you. SLYTHERIN!"

Ciel and Sebastian sat down at the table. Jarry looked at them. He didn't trust them.

Ciel smirked when Dunblrdore said that there was no quidditch. Meanwhile everyone groaned and yelled in outrage. But then he said that there was going to be something called the Triwizard Tournament. Ciel went about his time for a month bonding with his butler (he also had his monthly, luckily no one noticed his pms). He was super attracted to the handsome demon.

A month later they were told to enter their names into a flamin hawt pot. Ciel was too young so he had his butler-kun enter his name for him. But he didn't tell anyone cause he was SNEAKY!

Finally (thank god), the names were being drawn. First they called Floor De Vermillion up to represent Paint Me Like A French Girl Academy. She was a super pretty girl. Almost as pretty as Sakura-chan.

  
Next they called Brawny Von Jenkins a super macho manly man that represented the boys wizarding school, the East High Wildcats. Then they called Edward Diggory for Pigwartz. He was like a vampire as he sparkled in the taiyou. He flashed a smile at the crowds and waltzed in. Actually he didn't waltz, he tangoed in.

BUT THEN, they called Ciel! He wore a surprised face even though he wasn't surprised because he was SNEAKY! Ciel acted surprised and walked threw the door. He was proud of himself for being smart. Then Jarry he came in.

Floor de Vermillion looked with curiosity at Ciel "¿Por qué llevas que eyepatch?"

Ciel smirked again with much evil. He was being SNEAKY again.

Ciel competed in the games. He had to fight against a dragon named Diorung but they became nakama. He won everything because he had Sebastian cheat for him. In his free time he would mock Jarry or make out with Sebastian. No one saw them cause Ciel was SNEAKY!

Jarry was super de duper mad and skeptical of them. Jarry decided that being weighed down with killing Moldywartz was too much and so he eloped with Aoba to the moon, but that's a tale for another day.

At the end of the tournament Ciel was still hiding his BIG secrets. He couldn't tell anyone either secret. But he decided he would at least show his best friend Edward Diggory his secrets (HE DIDN'T DIE CAUSE EDWARD X JACOB IS MY OTP).

He showed Edward his eye. Edward gapsed at the satanic triangle symbol, but he was so happy to know that Ciel was with the Illuminati, just like him. He showed Ciel his own ouroboros.

But then Ciel told Edward the biggest secret that he had been hiding for months. HE WAS PREGNANT WITH SEBASTIAN'S CHILD!


	2. The Roots of Racism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant format for shit, ao3 keeps crashing.

Jarry was undoubtedly SUSPICIOUS of the young aristocat (meow). Ciel had recently been gaining weight, to the point where his stomach was protruding like a turnip. Jarry likened it to that of a pregnant woman.

It wasn't only Jarry who was SUSPICIOUS, it was also his long lost twin brother, Herry Potter, who was SUSPICIOUS. They both looked EXACTLY like James Potter, with his quidditch-toned muscles and mischievous smirk. However, they had their mother's eyes, green. The green was often likened to the spanish word verde.

Herry and Jarry snuck around school, not quite as SNEAKILY as Ciel though. They waddled through the dank hallways. The hallways were as dank as memes. In fact, Jarry considered himself the dankest of memes, likening himself to the best memes of all time such as Doge (woof) and Pepe (it’s not easy being green).

Herry on the other hand likened himself towards the noblest of fighters, his one true senpais(OTS), Ike and Mike. His fiber-green optics pierced through Jarry's radiating dankness.

As they were creeping SNEAKILY (not as SNEAKY as Ciel) through the dank corridors, they saw Ciel. Ciel was smirking cunningly as he manhandled the books in his arms.

Ciel was so engrossed in manhandling, he didn't even notice when some of the novels tumbled to the ground, and no, they weren't blogging.

Herry and Jarry picked up the fallen books as Ciel left. They gasped because it was so SUSPICIOUS. The books Ciel had been reading were so SUSPICIOUS. The books were "Yaoi Shit", "The Unlikely Romance of Kate Bjorkman", as well as the first two books of the highly acclaimed Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. 

Jarry threw the offending chick novel across the hallway, it tumbled (no it wasn't blogging) into a large puddle of skim milk.

Herry quickly grabbed it, licking the milk off in an attempt to salvage his favorite genre. He wasn't as arrogant or egoistic to consider himself above licking the ground (especially if it was milk ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ).

Jarry patted his onii-chan's back, and spoke in a soft voice. "Gomen"

Herry looked lovingly at his little bro, "It's all daijoubu." He smiled a bit.

Ciel came back running down the dank hallway, probably in search of his novels. Jarry quickly stuffed the books up his brother's ass, trying to hide them.

Herry groaned, but sucked it up. Ciel looked SUSPICIOUSLY (but not as SUSPICIOUSLY as the Potter twins) and spoke. "Have you seen my novels? They are extremely important to me. My only keepsakes of my parents whom died in a blazing inferno. Actually, I was the lone survivor and I formed a contract with a demon. While I'm at it, let me chronicle my entire life story in an easy-to-read, large-font, trilogy which is aimed at teenage girls."

The silence between them in that moment was super uncomfortable for the pregnant man and twins, it was a pregnant pause. Literally.

The twins realized that Ciel didn't see the novels protruding from Herry's butthole. "We completely understand and don't have any questions despite the fact that we had no knowledge of demon contracts before. We are so smart and it all makes sense. Lol." They said monotone.

The two groups went on the separate ways. Later in the dormitory, Herry would spend hours wiping the shit off the books. He felt constipated and really needed a good laxative. Perhaps Miralax, the miracle laxative, or even a Fiber One bar, with exactly one fiber.

scene change

In the sultry, steamy, bedroom, the twins huddled in a corner or the circular room. They started reading the novels to each other. Every now and then, Herry would show his brother the pictures of hot steamy sex from the Fifty Shades of Grey book. It was the graphic novel version.

Jarry ran a luscious hand through his brother’s hair.

Rod came up behind the futari, "Whatcha reading you losers." He spoke happily as he gripped the switchblade in his hand. Rod was super jealous of how they did super amazing at everything.

The twins were ignorant to the impending danger.

Suddenly, Rod flicked his hand, the (yaoi) blade slashed straight through them. However, it didn't hurt them because they had teleported to the other side of the room.

Herry and Jarry combined like Jasdero and Debitto from D.Gray Man. Together they became...Jerry (not Harry, that would be stupid) Potter!

However, because they were identical twins anyway, no one noticed the difference.

They flew out the window. Inspirational music played in the background, perhaps Requiem for a Tower or The Reluctant Heroes. They separated forms and regained their original bodies. Clasping hands, they soared around the castle, their arms spread wide.

They saw many trees. Jarry made an intelligent and witty comment about them. "They look like broccoli!" He exclaimed.

Herry was so impressed with the bountiful knowledge of his twin that he tried his best to emulate his brother, whilst still flying. "Trees perform photosynthesis, through the xylem and phloem, nutrients are brought up and down the plant, respectively. With recent deforestation, our ozone layer is being depleted. Additionally, our ozone layer is being corroded by noxious gases created in pollution heavy countries, such as China. The gases which protect us, one being O3, is chemically broken into normal oxygen, which can not protect us from the sun's harmful rays. Ultraviolet rays from the sun can penetrate the epidermis and damage folate, a B vitamin (alternatively: folic acid, vitamin M, vitamin Bc, pteroyl-L-glutamate, pteroyl-L-glutamic acid, or vitamin B₉, its formula is C19H19N7O6), which is required for DNA replication and many other essential functions; melanin (the light-absorbing pigment that determines skin, hair, and eye color. There are two different types of melanin--red or yellow pheomelanin and brown or black eumelanin) is essential to protect folate. However, UVB rays are required to convert cholesterol to vitamin D. At areas with higher concentrations of sunlight, dark skin helps to protect folate, but at areas with lower sunlight, dark skin prevents the absorption of UVB, resulting in vitamin D deficiencies. As a result, populations in areas of lower sunlight evolved to have light skin to absorb UVB rays, while populations in areas of high sunlight evolved to have dark skin to protect folate. In addition, the dark-skinned populations evolved to have ApoE4, which turns up cholesterol levels so there is more cholesterol to convert into vitamin D, preventing vitamin D deficiencies in dark-skinned people. An exception to dark skin light skin rule are the inuit people, who have dark skin, inhibiting vitamin D production; however, they avoid vitamin D deficiencies by eating fish which are rich in vitamin D. Albinism is a melanin deficiency caused by the lack of certain enzymes. Additionally, in the sun, the pituitary gland receives a signal from the optic nerve when it senses sunlight; this triggers the production of melanin, so wearing sunglasses will actually result in more sunburn. Tanning can help with vitamin D deficiencies, since UVB rays are required to convert cholesterol to vitamin D. Differences in skin color are the results of the intriguing adaptations of the human body to their environment. In conclusion, racism is unfounded, stemming from the idiotic pretentiousness of dumbass white people centuries ago," Herry said.

Jarry replied scathingly, "You're so stupid lol."

Herry was humiliated by his comment which couldn't even compare to that of his brother.

The twins continued their flight around Hogwarts, hands becoming sweaty from grasping each other's Hercules-Corona Borealis Great Wall (that means big TuT) hands.

scene change

Jarry was currently really annoyed at his brother. Who was he to try and take his role as the protagonist?

Jarry decided he needed to uncover the truth of Ciel Phantomhive. 

He snuck around as SNEAKILY as someone not bearing the name Ciel could do. Jarry had decided offhand that he would leave his onii-chan behind. Creeping down the winding staircase, he snuck through the dank hallways.

After what was merely minutes, Jarry came to the realization that he was utterly lost; wandering backwards, he came upon a door that wasn't there before. Jarry became SUSPICIOUS.

He entered the room, inside he saw towering towers of unidentified flying objects. Jarry gapsed in surprise, they were imouto eroge! He saw name titles such as My Little Sister Can't be this Cute and Yosuga no Sora.

Jarry wondered why he was in this room. Did it have something to do with Ciel? In that transient moment, he saw a graphic novel. Picking it up, he realized it was a bona fide manga from Japan. Speaking fluent Wapanese, Jarry read the title, Black Butler.

Jarry opened the yaoi manga and began reading...

Meanwhile, Ciel was eating a new novel, beside him sat a potions novel titled the half-blood prince.


	3. Obligatory Boggart Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theme- Customs (how they get them wrong, and weird customs we make up (after each one say, ‘as was the custom of that time’))
> 
> Also featuring- the obligatory boggart scene in which the [insert angst character here (ex. Edward Elric, Ciel Phantomhive)]'s boggart cannot decide their worst fear. It is always something like their family/friends being DEAD!
> 
> AND A NEW CHARACTER, HIS NAME IS GOMEN

Ciel looked at the demonic child in his arms, it was his and Sebastian’s. He glowered at it as if his cerulean ocular vestiges would make the infernal thing spontaneously combust.

It did not.

Ciel resigned himself to years of maternal struggles such as whiny toddlers, pubescent preteens, emo teenagers, and prissy adults. Like all children, his would probably have their Sasuke Uchiha emo period and their Eren Yeager kill everything period.

Ciel referred to his child in the ‘it’ because it wasn’t human (half demon, half shota), it was kinda like worm, in that it didn’t have an exact gender. That was okay, thought Ciel, because, as a child, he had a pet worm named Barry, who DIED IN A FIRE (with his parents). And now he was super butthurt and wanted to avenge Bary (and maybe his parents), which is why he can NEVER let it go (can’t hold it back anymore). He must get revenge on the horrible ugly people who killed BARRY (the worm) as they asphyxiated him with their songs of ICE and FIRE.

Ciel gently cradled the child in his arms, between his forearm and left pectoral. Then, he saw something he shouldn’t have. The child had the eyes of the devil. They were shrouded in darkness, as if a swath of shadow (the hedgehog) was stuck to its eyelids.

Ciel frowned and tried to rub the grease-like stain off, and slowly the evilness wiped away and he saw something which struck him to the very core of his being. . . The child had main character hair!

Startled, Ciel threw his child out the window next to him, as was the custom of Hogwarts. Throw your child out a window for good fortune and luck. Ciel then took out his Huckleberry wand and lifted his child out after having defenestrated it.

He had been shocked for a moment (thus defenestrating his child), but he would not let his surprise tip him out of balance, and he made his child ascend towards him.

Dumblydore walked in all of a sudden. He looked at Ciel with thinly veiled disgust, yet he continued to speak.

“Ciel, you came here to protect the school. Not to lollygag around. If you don’t pick up the pace I’m gonna have to call in the Geek Squad to take your place.”

Ciel scoffed and flipped his hair. “You shit-eating, bottom-feeding trash. I have not erred, now remove thyself from my sight.” He said in a stilted voice.

Dumbledore squinted his eyes and whipped out his wand, “Well I guess I have to go back to manipulating smol children for my nefarious plots, because obviously I am a villain.”

Ciel watched as Dumblydore walked away, off in the distance he heard the old man shout.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

Ciel assumed that Dumblydore was shouting at Ebony and her boyfriend Draco, oh well.

* * *

After a brief interlude, Ciel left his child in his mansion in England so that he could focus on his studies and sexy funtimes with Sebastian.

Ciel then rememebered that he was in the Grand Magic Games, which was a pokken tournament between the wizarding academy's (Luna Nova Magical Academy (Ciel’s school), Pigwarts, East High Wildcats, and Paint me like a French Girl academy).

Ciel was part of Slytherin though, and they gave him their full support. Ciel had become friends-with-benefits with Draco (Slytherin) and Vampire (Gryffindor). Also, Ciel had found a close confidant in Tom Riddle, a sexy Slytherin seme bishounen.

Anyways, Slytherin HATED Jarry because he was far too radiant for them, but that was a tale for another day. . .

Ciel hastily snuck down the hallways, as silent as the Eurocopter EC135, making sure not to be seen, because he was SNEAKY. He was on his way to the banquet hall to participate in the tournament and didn’t want people to know that he had been nursing his child.

ALL OF A SUDDEN!!! Ciel bumped into his bff, Cedric ‘Edward’ Diggory ‘Cullen’.

“EDWARD MY SPARKLY COMRADERIE!” Ciel explouded*.

“Hey you handsome son of a gun” Edward said as he gave a noogie to Ciel, like that scene from Big Hero 6 **(rip Tadashi)**.

Ciel did a hair-flip and brushed it off like it was nothing “I’m just natural this way. I inherited my good genes from my childhood friend, his name was BARRY.”

Edward stuck out his hands in a triangle formation. Ciel was confused and stared at them.

Edward gapsed, “of course you don’t know yet, this is a custom in our tribe from my homeland in Forks Washington. First you put out your hands like this upturned in triangle, then you take a pencil, jam it into the small webbing area between you left forefinger and right index finger and make sure the pencil goes through, make sure there is a baker’s shit ton of BLOOD. Then you take out the pencil and put your left pinkie toe into the hole and then I take my left pinkie toe (stabbed through) and gently touch it to your left pinkie in the same position. Then you remove the pinkie toes with an electric saw and vore them whole!”

“Woah, that’s so cool.” Said Ciel.

“IKR, it is the custom of my homeland, Sweden. It teaches children which way dogs wear pants, and who the rarest of them all is” said Edward.

And they did the SUPER SECRET HANDSHAKE (described above). From now on, they agreed, that if they ever wanted to do it again, they would refer to it as the KAWAII shake, or Kool Awesome Wonderful Amazing Integrated Initiation Shake, for short.

Ciel said goodbye, missing a couple appendages, and went to the banquet hall where he was gonna be participating in the last event, THE MAZE RUNNER!!!

Behind him Edward waved solemnly. Ciel would be risking his life for this competition. Crying crying just a tear will billow down from his face, “carpe diem, Ciel.” Edward muttered under his breath while eating fish (carp).

* * *

DUN DUN DUN

Ciel was gonna have to go thru a maze, but that was super easy with his super HAWT DEMON BUTLER, Sebastian!

Ciel jumped face first into the maze, Jarry was glaring at him with sinister eyes, they were emerald green and super piercing.

Jarry was a lean boy of about 15 years. He had midnight ebony raven black hair with streaks of gold and flint in his eyes. He was beautiful, he had curves (obviously in all the right places) and legs that went on for miles. 24,901 miles specifically. His legs circumvented the world. Ya know how I said he was lean, that was a lie. He was super sexy, and for some reason, Ciel was kinda turned on, horny per se.

But Ciel was actually only attracted to demons, so it was ok.

As Ciel sprinted along, he saw something that made him stop in his tracks… IT WAS A FUKING BOGGART!!! **(Holy shit I’m such a creative author to think of adding a boggart! Woah what a FUCKING surprise! ! ! Give me a cookie)** . Ciel’s eyes widened infinitesimally.

The boggart warped and twisted into various things, as if it could not tell what Ciel’s GREATEST fear was. It defied all laws of boggarts, even though the nature of boggarts was that it could become the GREATEST FEAR AND GREATEST FEAR ONLY, it considered Ciel the special exception, one who had numerous greatest fears **(is that even possible? lol)**.

It became a burning house, and then a worm (barry), and then warped into the worst fear of them all, HIS FRIENDS DYING. But when CIel looked closer, he saw that it was HIM WHO KILLED THEM!

His own face was covered in the blood of his friends! His dark side had taken over (obviously the midichlorians fault).

Jarry was watching and was astounded by the inner turmoil which Ciel must have to go through every day and forgot all about his SUSPICIONS.

Jarry stepped in front of Ciel, to shield him from the boggart. The boggart shifted, and twisted, becoming an empty bowl. Jarry stood shell-shocked as his wand-arm slowly crept upwards.

Under his breath he choked out, “not enough. . .dip. . . for chips.” He seemed terrified by this notion. Wavering tremors shook his pale frame; he writhed and shrunk in on himself at the very idea of such a devastating horror...

“RIDDIKULUS” He shouted avant garde.

Jarry wiped the lingering sweat and moisture for his succulent lips. Saliva dribbled down his hand and wrist.

Herry continued contemplating the roots of racism, was it truly the broccoli trees?

Sebastian’s hair undulated in the wind (indoors).

Dumblydore stood stiff, obviously plotting the evils.

Ebony felt a foreboding shiver run through her bones. Her eyes like limpid tears held the saddest glint.

Everyone waited in bated agony for the end of the third and final task. . .

* * *

Ciel raced for the cup, burning up the maze as he went (because he had stolen the FLAMIN HAWT POT to use as a flamethrower (having risen to popularity during WWI)). He held the gun like pro, sort of like how a carver holds a machete.

Ciel touched the winning cup and was transported to a graveyard, around him were KKK members. Ciel hated those blatantly racist bitches and killed them all. He even killed Voldemort! The good thing was that he didn’t have to kill Tom Riddle, the hot sexy side of Voldemort!

After Ciel won, Jarry was a little peeved, but Jarry forgave him because Ciel was just so sexy.

* * *

Ciel grabbed his child from home and brought it to Hogwarts, over the past two weeks it had aged 15 years physically, like a vampire. Sebastian was mad, he thought Ciel had cheated on him with that vampire, Nohrian, scumbag, EDWARD CULLEN!!!

“Ugh” Ciel groaned as looked at Sebastian’s green tinted eyes. “Fuxk off you interloafing twat!.”

Sebastian twitched and he wanted a divorce!!!!

What was CIel to do but TAKE IT TO COURT. He wanted their child, the child’s name was Gomen (middle name Asai). Ciel thought wearily, that this court would have to take place in the Great Hall.

Gomen was a handsome beautiful cherubic child, their long waves of rainbow colored hair flew everywhere, and their dazzling ocular dexterous vestiges danced around the room in hazy tendrils of ephemeral light. Gomen kinda looked a little like Rick Astley, a little Alan Rickman, and a lot Blake Lively, except 20x hotter, and 30x sexier.

Floor de Vermillion was Ciel’s attorney, an ACE ATTORNEY!!!!.

“Si tú quieres tu hijo, luego que muere” said Floor.

“Nani sore” replied Ciel.

Gomen didn’t know what was going on… “OMFG you two are so stupid.”

Ciel looked at his child “BE QUIET YOU DOG EATING SHIT. GET OUT OF YOUR IDIOT PHASE”

GOmen screamed in reply, “its not a phase mom, this is who i REALLY am"

Ciel was aghast, “You Nohrian scum! This is not my child.”

Sebastian was surprised. “It isn’t your child! YOU DIDN’T CHEAT ON ME”

Sebastian grasped the uke in his Hercules-Corona-Borealis-Great-Wall hands, they started kissing and making out in fervor. Spit was going everywhere. It was a little off putting in all honesty, but it was the custom of all heated yaoi pairs to lock together and get it on in front of others. ALso they needed porn, and lots of it..

Gomen looked at them and then back at a mysterious pair of figures.

They were his true parents. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Edward Cullen and Taylor Lautner.

* * *

Omake: The Case of the Missing Waffle

Hermione POV

It had been days, yet everything was so whacked up. Inexplicably, Harry, her best friend, had been telling her that his name was Jarry. Herry was a new boy, yet he looked eerily similar to Harry. Ron was nonexistent. The enigmatic twinkle of Dumbledore’s eyes had suddenly been replaced by a sinister glint. To make matters worse, the new boy, Ciel, was pretending that he was pregnant.

As far as Hermione knew, cis boys could not get pregnant. But that was beside the point. All in all, her week had been a nauseatingly disastrous experience.

Also, her waffle was missing.

And by waffle she meant “waffle”, if you know what I mean. Wink wink

* * *

Omake 2: What all the haters wished happened

Harry POV

The-Boy-Who-Lived huddled down beneath his covers. Recently, Ron had been ignoring him. Solace from Hermione just wasn’t enough. He missed his best friend.

Harry tightened his grip on the sweat-covered wand in his hand and shuddered slightly. Gathering up what was left of his courage, he crawled out of bed. The blankets rustled, a hushed thunder that broke the silence of the night. Resolution found, he went to crack the mystery of the peculiar exchange student and his butler.

Opening his chest, he pulled out a tattered map and a ratty cloak. Wrapping himself within its confines, he hurried out the door into the quiet common room. As he crept out of the Fat-lady’s portrait, he saw her glance at him questioningly. Harry raised a finger to his lips and tip-toed through the exit. She huffed and turned away acquiescently, having become accustomed to his escapades.

Finding himself in an abandoned staircase, he gingerly unfolded the map and muttered under his breath, “I solemnly swear I am up to no good.”

The map unfolded in a superfluous fashion. Names dotted the corners of the wrinkled pages. A seldom few were out and about. Those few names seemed to dance around the pages with a life of their own. And that was the truth. After all, every name was a person’s real name.

Harry desperately searched for his name. And there it was, in the library, the restricted section. Harry would have liked to be surprised, but breaking the rules did seem to fit Ciel’s foul personality.

Next to Ciel’s name, just a hairbreadth away, should have been that of his butler. Sebastian was his name, his alias. Harry’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets in fear of the name scrawled next to Ciel’s.

It did not say Sebastian Michaelis as he had assumed it would. No, it said something far worse, something forbidden, something sinful.

It read. . . JOHN CENA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note-  
> Thanks you my most benevolent readers for appreciating my story. Due to popular demand, I found the inspiration to continue writing. It makes me cry a single ghibli tear of joy to know you all love me and my writing.
> 
> ___  
> *Poképun  
> If you forget who is who, just remember these keywords, I have been emphasizing them and using subliminal messaging so that you associate these things with these characters:  
> Ciel = SNEAKY  
> Jarry = SUSPICIOUS  
> Slytherin = HATED  
> Sebastian = HAWT


	4. The Inconclusive End and Unnecessary Commentary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited not-author's note announcing hiatus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things in parenthesis and bolded are me speaking. Me, as in Sakura-chan! Nya Just a warning. POV switches between first and third ;)
> 
> Now, onto the obligatory character chat! Mrow
> 
> Ciel: I'm barely in this chapter :( Sakura-chan is so mean to me
> 
> Sebastian: Come into my arms then bocchan *wink*
> 
> Ciel: -_-
> 
> Me: NYA story now :3

 

****

**Gomen POV**

The broccoli trees had died long ago. The last remnants of the flamin' hawt pot were extinguished. There was nothing left for me.

I used to think I knew what I was doing in life. I had a Father who loved and supported me. I had a Papa who was never there. I remember my Papa like it was just yesterday that he left. That night, he had taken my father's heart and ran away into the deep abysmal depths of the night **(It's not night where I am)**.

Yes, it happened at night.

Woe is me, I forlornly wept rough **(I cried while writing this, it's so moving)**.

Father came into my room to tuck me in, but I could never forget, he was not my real father. This man I called Father, his real name was Jarry. But Jarry was all I had left T_T

Looking into the distance far, I remembered the day my real father died **(don't worry readers, my father (as in Sakura-chan's) is still alive)**.

* * *

_FLASHBACK (this means I was rememebering :3 )_

_Rain was coming down on the wet ground. The ground only got wetter as more rain rained down._

_Gomen looked at the ground, damn it was wet. His feet splashed on the ground as he raced to come into his father's arms._

" _Gomen you little shit get over here," his father said with love._

_As Gomen got closer, he saw. . . His father's eyes were empty and soulless. Cold swept into him. HOLY SHIT IT WAS A DEMENTOR._

" _WHAT THE HELL IS THAT FLOATING BLACK CLOAK THAT LOOKS LIKE IT SHOULD BE IN AN ASSASSIN'S CREED GAME!?" Gomen exclamated, gesticulating his arms like a rabid fujoshi._

_But the "black cloak that looks like it should be in an Assassin's Creed game", did not take that comment well. It devoured his father's soul like it was alcoholic egg nog_ _**(psa for readers, please check to see if your egg nog is alcoholic before you drink it TnT)** _ _._

_Gomen's father, Ciel, was dead._

_FLASHBACK END (this means I'm done rememebering ;3 )_

* * *

**Jarry POV**

After the Triwizard Tournament, Herry had died. So many students had died that tragic night **(I'm thinking of writing a spinoff to actually tell you how (and why) everyone died)**.

Among the dead were Hermione, Ron, some randie named Harry, Neville, and Voldemort **(don't worry! Tom RIddle is still alive. He is SUPER sexy and sweet, unlike Voldymort)**.

Thank god Jarry's best friends, Victor and Yuuri were still alive. What would he do without his daily dose of homosexual ice-skating gays?

Jarry was left staring at Ciel's child, Gomen. Wow. Why was this child so ugly? SNEAKY had boasted that his child looked like Blake Lively, but that was a total lie. Gomen would be lucky if he was as smexy as Frakenstein.

"S2g, u r disgusted. Gross. 笨蛋" Jarry spoke throaty as he held up Gomen in one arm, and a wand in the other. "What do i do w/this dw33b?"

Jarry opened up his instagram and dmed Taylor Hotner.

 _jarry_jfc69_ : wtf do i do w/ a kid

 _taytay_hotner_ : ew who did u impregnate

 _jarry_jfc69_ : wut does impregate mene

 _taytay_hotner_ : its when u get in a gate

 _jarry_jfc69_ : oh lol. i could get in one?

 _taytay_hotne_ r: ye that should fix it

 _jarry_jfc69_ : thx bruh

 _taytay_hotner_ : np bruh

Jarry looked around for the nearest gate. Wow he was so lucky, the only thing not destroyed in the Battle of Hogwarts happened to be the gate. He walked through **(my school has a gate too!)**.

_BING_

The sound resounded **(because it was a sound ovo)**.

_You gained 200 exp, you gained the skill,_ _『_ _I'm such an idiot, a brick wall could beat me in The Price is Right_ _』_

"Da fuq. . .?" Jarry scortled and opened up his insta.

 _jarry_jfc69_ : s2g u try 2 make me look bad?

 _taytay_hotner_ : wuts dong hot stuf

 _taytay_hotner_ : sorry i ment wrong

 _jarry_jfc69_ : oh no it was fine ;)

 _taytay_hotner_ : is that wink wut i think?

 _jarry_jfc69_ : it depends wut do u think?

 _taytay_hotner_ : can u cum over?

 _jarry_jfc69_ : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

* * *

Taytay and Jarry were sweaty and their muscles were stiff as they approached the door to the house. They weren't able to move their bodies apart it was so heated. They were dressed in the thinnest of wear, barely covering their toned muscles ripple. They had just gone for a run.

Jarry tried to put it in but moaned when it didn't fit. Coming at another angle, he got it in. Taytay let out his bated breath. Jarry then turned the key and opened the door. Melissia came out with the Mario Kart (fun for all ages) and cheese balls.

The boys followed Melissia in and sat on the couch. Tim Cruise was there too.

"Delicious!" Ejaculated the two boys.

Melissia was so honored that her cheese balls tasted so yummy. The recipe was homemade. Melissia really wished she could have shared her cheese balls with Ashton Kutcher 3.

* * *

Scene change **(sorry guys I'm not a guy so I can't give their love justice)**

After Jarry abandoned me, I became an orphan, except now I obtained strange and mysterious powers, like blue flames and ghost powers **(Yoah, young Danny Phantom he was just 14 when his parents built a very strange machine. It was designed to view a world unseen. When it didn't quite work at first they just quit, then Danny took a look inside of it. There was a great big flash, everything did change. His molecules got all rearranged. He's a phantom, phantom. Yoah when he first woke up he realized, he had strange white hair and glowing green eyes. He could walk through walls, disappear, and fly. Blah blah no one knows this line. It was then that he knew what he had to do, he had to stop other ghosts that were coming through! HE_IS_HERE_TO_FIGHT_FOR_ME_AND_YOU)**

My life was sad from then on. I moved to Japan and realized my parents had named me "sorry". Well, fuck them. Imma gonna change my name then.

My new name was "Rin Okumuro" **(my original oc, he has no relation to Rin Okumura. They just have similar names for some reason ^^;)**.

Dun dun dun

To be continued?

* * *

Omake 1 Where's Sebastian?

Where had Sebastian disappeared to? He wasn't in the story anymore for some reason.

Sebastian was dressed in a red and white striped shirt. Where is he? Well you have to find him, duh. That's the whole point.

"Oh, look! I found Odlaw!"

"No, omfg you nittwick. EVERYONE FINDS ODLAW! THAT ONE IS THE EASIEST!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Some people have said I plagiarized Jarry Potter, and that he is just a Harry Potter ripoff. Excuse me, Jarry is my original OC, I had never even heard of this "Harry Potter" before I wrote this fic :(
> 
> Y'all need to calm down. All of my OCs are my ORIGINAL CREATIONS. That includes my characters: Jarry Potter, Herry Potter, Hermin Granger, Rod Weasley, Gomen Phantomhive, Taylor Hotner, and Tim Cruise.


End file.
